The Seduction of the Insufferable Mr Potter
by fakeid
Summary: In order to defeat the Voldemort and save himself from certain death Harry Potter must lose his virginity...who better to attempt to seduce him than Draco?
1. Chapter 1

The Seduction of the Insufferably Mr. Potter

By: shadowclub/fakeid

Notes: HBP compliant, and this will be a multichapter fic with plot.

Pairings: Harry/Draco…there are more, but I shan't give them away.

Chapter 1: Fire and water make air

Harry Potter was having a no-good, very bad day.

It all started that morning, at the precise hour when he woke up and found that some mysterious people had put his and Ginny's underwear in the same drawer making an already awkward situation even more awkward when he had to go to her room and get it back. Really, he was going to kill Fred and George.

The day had only deteriorated from there; he was quite thankful that the day was almost over. After the Order meeting, which was in Dumbledore's old manor, he was going straight to bed.

"It's the only way!" Remus's voice rose above the others.

"No! I won't stand for it! He's too young."

"We have no choice. It's the only way to destroy You-Know-Who!"

"NO!"

"Of all the- CRASH!"

"Molly! Don't throw the-ow!" Arthur's voice could be heard now.

Things did not appear to be going well, to say the least.

The door burst open and a bristling Mrs. Weasley walked out. Harry stood up, waiting to be called into the meeting. He had been waiting for the last hour or so to see if he could travel around looking for the rest of the Horcruxes.

"Ron, Hermione, they want to speak to you!" she spat out, practically shaking with rage. She patted Harry on the head before turning away and muttering to herself. Ron and Hermione practically ran into the kitchen, fearful of Mrs. Weasley's wrath.

"Harry dear, wait here with me for a minute," she said laying her arms on his. Harry stared at her, and sighed internally. He had wanted to sneak out last night, but Hermione and Ron had insisted that they come with him. Naturally, Hermione had forced him to ask for permission… perhaps forced wasn't the right word… threatened, maybe?

"_What_?" Ron's voice carried through the silencing charm and into the living room. What on earth was going on in there? It sounded as Ron had just learned that his father was homosexual or something equally ludicrous.

Mrs. Weasley started to rub his arm in what was supposed to be a soothing manner, but really only served to make him more anxious. After another five minutes of muffled screams and a loud thud, the door flew open to reveal a very disgruntled Ron carrying a fainted Hermione… so that was what the thud was.

"A little help here, mate. She's not as light as she looks!"

Harry quickly stood up and grabbed Hermione's arms.

"My god she must weigh more than fifty kil-OW!" Ron said, as Mrs. Weasley promptly hit him upside the head.

"Ronald! What have I told you about discussing a girl's weight?" Mrs. Weasley said before leaning down and whispering something in his ear that sounded suspiciously like "_And don't you tell Harry anything about it!" _She then left the room in a huff still muttering about the manipulative bastards down at the Ministry.

"Well…what happened?" Harry asked after settling Hermione down on the couch.

"The Order is currently researching a spell that will be able to defeat You-Know-Who without destroying all the Horcruxes separately," Ron said while scratching his head. Harry waited for him to continue.

"And…" Harry finally prompted.

"And nothing! We have to check in every day, learn this book of distress signals and stay within a twenty mile radius of an Order member!" Ron exclaimed, his ears going red. He always had been a terrible liar.

"And this knowledge caused Hermione to faint?" Harry asked. What was Ron hiding from him? They attempted to heave Hermione onto the battered couch; Ron miscalculated and ended up dropping his half on the floor, dragging Harry down with him. Harry ended up with his crotch in Hermione's face, which is precisely when she regained consciousness.

"Mfhiryy!!!!" she screamed. Harry quickly scrambled off of her, turning a Very Heroic Shade of Purplish-Red.

"What are you doing?" Hermione had two bright red splotches on her face, and they were rapidly spreading down her cheeks and onto her neck.

"You fainted, so Harry and I carried you out of the kitchen," Ron answered, looking a bit flushed. It was one thing to watch it done in the magazine that Fred had accidentally left in the bathroom one night, but it was quite another to watch your best friends in that position. He vaguely wondered if this was a punishment sent from the gods for the one time he had broken the vase and blamed it on the twins.

"Why didn't you levitate me?" Hermione asked, dusting off her skirt, and thankful that she had on ('that she had worn' is good, too) her full coverage panties.

Ron opened and closed his mouth a few times and was saved from answering by the kitchen door swinging open.

"Harry, we need to speak to you." Tonks said. Harry walked into the kitchen and sat down in the nearest available seat.

"Well there's no point in beating around the bush here. Lupin has found a spell called, roughly translated, The Ultimate Spell of Death" Moody paused and let that sink in. Harry blinked, w_hat kind of name was that for a spell_?

"Look Harry, I've researched this spell, and it is the quickest way to get rid of Voldemort," Lupin said with a sympathetic smile. Harry waited for something in his mind to click, something that would indicate as to why they were not jumping up and down with joy.

Nothing.

"What's the problem then?" Harry asked suspiciously. Everyone had these _kind, sympathetic_ expressions on their faces, the same one that the insurance agent wore when Uncle Veron was in an accident right before they screwed him over by upping his premium. Whatever that meant.

"Well, there are certain erm…conditions and side-effects on this spell that you must fulfill before using it," Lupin said suddenly looking more uncomfortable than Harry had ever seen him before.

"What conditions?" Harry asked almost afraid of Lupin's answer, his stomach sunk. He knew it; he would have to sacrifice himself in order to defeat Voldemort.

"Well, you have to abide by all of the conditions put forth by the spell rules for three months prior to the casting of the spell." Harry nodded. As long as the rules weren't too restrictive he would be able have some fun in the last three months of his life.

"And well, you can't eat any pork, you have to lose you- ahem, cough-you cannot wear the color pink, the hair of an enemy, and you have to sacrifice," Lupin continued reading from a three foot parchment that lay in front of him. It took a moment for all that to sink in.

"WHAT! I'm not a girl, if you haven't noticed!" Harry said standing up. This was not happening. This was Simply Not Right; he must have heard wrong. "How am I going to manage to pull that one off?"

Lupin looked torn between amusement and pity, everyone else had suddenly found the wall fascinating enough to stare at.

"Erm, well you're not. We've erm, modified the spell a little…so that you don't have to be one," Lupin looked as though he would rather remain in wolf form forever rather than share this tidbit of information.

"Why would you tell me that, then?" Harry prompted.

"You don't technically have to be a girl, the results are better if you are a girl."

Harry had seen many things: dying cats, fluffy man-eating dogs, and a hundred-year-old man having sex, but this was really too much.

"This is a joke, right?" He asked slowly.

"Now, Harry, I know this is hard to take in all of a sudden--"

"Why didn't anyone mention this spell before?"

"…well, its dark magic. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire; this is one of those times," Moody growled out.

"I don't understand why I have to be a girl."

"The spell was actually created by a woman…you know the saying "a woman scorned" well this woman, Marietta Polick, was jilted at the altar and spent the rest of her days devising a spell that could kill all men no matter what their level of power. It's quite fascinating, of course-." Lupin stopped when he saw the expression on Harry's face. This was not the time for a history lesson.

Harry swallowed; he really was having a no-good, terrible, very bad day.

XXX

"I don't think he took that too well," Hermione said to Ron later on that night. Harry was dead asleep, exhausted from the day's events.

"And Lupin didn't even tell him that he couldn't be a virgin in order to cast the spell. Bloody hell! How are we going to tell him to go lose his virginity?" Ron stage whispered as to not wake up Harry.

Hermione thought for a moment. _Poor Harry._ All he wanted was normalcy and he got this. She could almost see the expression on his face when he learned that Voldemort not only stole his parents, he would essentially be stealing his virginity, too.

"Ron, I don't think it's fair to Harry."

"Nothing in life is ever fair," Ron stated an idea dawned on him, what if he and Hermione somehow told-no-_encouraged_ Harry to lose his virginity. It's not like Harry knew it was for the spell, they could die any day now! No one wanted to die a virgin.

"Hermione, I have an idea."

And just like that it was done. The whole plan was as easy as pie.

For anyone who has actually made pie, they would know it is not _nearly_ as simple as it looks.

XXX

Ron and Harry stumbled into their bedroom at half past 11. The Death Eater raid had not been as successful as they had hoped, but thankfully there were no casualties on either side. Someone or something had alerted them and most of the top ranking Death Eaters had managed to apparate before the anti-apparation shield was in place. They did have a few prisoners… rumor was Draco Malfoy was among them, but nothing was confirmed despite Ron's and Harry's arguments.

He looked up…there was something slightly out of place in the room.

"Ron why is there a naked girl in my bed?"

"What naked girl?" Ron replied. Hermione had really outdone herself. The tits on the girl looked big enough to knock out a horse. Never let it be said that Hermione did things half-way.

"The one ON my bed!" Ron went through the possible reasons in his mind. Somehow "Well, it turns out in order to defeat Voldemort you can't be a virgin, so Hermione hired a prostitute" didn't seem right. Harry would probably be annoyed stating that he was not going to let Voldemort rule his sex life, and turn down the girl. _Bloody git. Probably wanted to wait for his wedding night or something._

"Happy Birthday, Harry!" Ron was surprised this brain was still functioning considering most of the blood was currently rushing south.

"My birthday was last month!"

"Happy belated birthday then!" The figure on the bed moved, her short black dress riding up to reveal a lacy pair of underwear.

"And you must be Harry…," her smooth cultured voice rolled over them in waves. Even Harry paused to stare at her chest.

"Erm…yes," Harry finally managed to stutter out.

"My, my rich and good-looking," she said trailing a finger down his chest. Ron hated Harry…at this moment anyway. Why didn't Hermione ever do anything nice for him anyway?

"Um, I'm not sure what they told you, but I'm not interested, thanks," Harry said pushing her finger away from him. Ron gazed helplessly as the woman walked around Harry, his cock was hard enough to be used to drill through granite. It was a miracle he could even think coherent thoughts beyond tits…tits…Oh my god she's coming closer…

"Boys! Your-Dear Merlin! Ron! Harry!" As some random American Tourist had said to him one fine summer eve "This shit is going to hit the ceiling (or something like that)."

"No Mom ! I'm busy! Harry and I are busy!" Ron said having the foresight to throw a locking charm on the door…just a few minutes too late.

"RONALD!"


	2. Enter Draco and Gang

The Seduction of the Insufferable Mr. Potter.

By: Shadowclub

Rating:R

Warnings: A failed bit of het here and there…oh and this will be slash.

Chapter Summary: In which thing "heat up", Harry is disturbed, and Voldemort reveals his weakness….for shiny objects.

Notes: Haha…I fail at making time tables. So yeah, but fic! I'm happy. As usual, if you wait a few days I shall post the betaed version. Hopefully there aren't any glaring typos. Ginny's a little OOC here, but it works for this story.

XXX

Voldemort stroked his bald head admiring its shininess. It gleamed like the wings of angels falling from the heaven, like diamonds in a candle lit room, like a freshly sharpened knife before it cut into apple pie…or something else that was just really, really, shiny.

"Wormtail! Where is that coconut scented head wax?" Wormtail scurried out of the bathroom holding it out in front of him. He dropped one knee and presented it as one would present a crown to a king.

"H-here Master!" He stuttered. Voldemort reached down and noticed a small strawberry on the label.

"Curse you! This is strawberry gel, not coconut! Can't you read, you ignorant fool! You are not worthy to breathe the same air as I!" He roared pulling out his wand kicking Wormtail on his back gasping for breath. Really, this intimidation thing was too easy. If any of his Death Eaters had bothered to read a book in basic psychology they wouldn't have joined him in the first place. And now for the punishment.

"_Harrrian Coconuts!_" Wormtail screamed as his balls grew to the size of coconuts and sprouted itchy hair.

"Master!" A voice came from the door. It was not a little quiet, but seemed to carry a force of power behind it. Voldemort suppressed the urge to shudder as the man's voice ran through him, it wasn't exceptionally deep, but it was nice sense of power behind it that Voldemort could appreciate. The type of voice you enjoyed listening to…in bed.

"M--!!" Wormtail managed to get out before Voldemort silenced him with a flick of his wand. Wormtail kept looking back and forth between them as though he were seeing his worst nightmare come true.

"No names, I don't want anyone hearing the identity of our perfectly gorgeous—I mean perfectly well placed informant," Voldemort said running one spindly finger down the man's face. Wormtail waved his arms around mouthing something that looked like "He's a maneater!" No…that didn't seem right. Voldemort looked again. "He's a traitor?"

Voldemort decided to ignore him.

"What news?" He asked. The man looked around nervously before answering.

"The Potter boy has found a spell to defeat you." Voldemort searched his mind. They couldn't defeat him, he had his horcruxes—

"So, they've discovered my secret then?" He said tapping the man's jaw with such force that the man's head snapped back with a crack.

"Yes." Voldemort pushed past the barriers and went to make sure the man was telling the truth...he was.

"Good dog. Run along now. Don't want them becoming suspicious."

"Don't you want to hear the rest?"

"I've heard enough."

"With all do respect, the last time you didn't listen to the whole story it didn't end well for you." Voldemort glared the man, who fell to his knees stuttering apologies. Hmm…the man had a point. The Potter Mission could have gone better.

"Well, let's hear it then."

"In order to complete the spell, the Potter boy must lose his virginity! If you were to send a Death Eater to seduce him then you could gain a valuable ally or at the very least emotionally damage Potter enough that his magic will be affected." Curious. Most curious. He dismissed the man with a wave of his hand.

"Wormtail! I have the most marvelous plan! I'm going to send a Death Eater to seduce Potter, take his virginity and them have them crush his bleating heart!" He said laughing.

Romance and death! It was all very exciting!

XXX

Harry Potter was having a bit of trouble.

"Stupid zip! Close, close, close!" He said jerking it up so hard that he accidentally smashed his hand into this face.

"Ow!"

"Are you done yet, Harry?" Hermione asked banging on the door.

"Yeah!" Harry said opening the door.

"Well it's about time!" Hermione huffed, for some reason her robe was very loosely tied and it was obvious she wasn't wearing anything underneath. He couldn't help but stare for a moment.

"Um…Hermione. You might want to put something on under that." He said walking away. Hermione stared at his back as he walked away. Clearly her plan to seduce Harry wasn't going as planned…then again she wasn't the hottest hot dog in the oven, but she certainly wasn't ugly.

Hm…if it wasn't her then maybe Harry was—

No. Harry had dated Ginny just a few months previously and seemed quite satisfied with the relationship.

Wait.

Ginny! Why didn't she think of her before? Hermione could have slapped her head from the utter silliness of it all! Harry liked red heads that's why she wasn't falling for her (albeit half-hearted) advances!

XXX

"Are you crazy? Harry won't touch me with a ten-foot pole!" Ginny exclaimed. "Besides, I don't want to lose my virginity just yet."

"Didn't you and Dean…," Hermione asked trailing off.

"That didn't count. It sucked." Hermione straightened her hair in the mirror.

"You count just discount things because they sucked."

"Well…it was complicated. Let's just leave it at that. Besides I don't think Harry's quite right…" Ginny said twisting her hair around her finger. For a minute her finger was encased in fire.

"Please? It's for the good of humanity! Besides you love Harry!" Hermione said reasonably.

"He has this stupid thing about not touching me…he says I kill his concentration. He won't even bloody talk to me anymore! I mean so what if I stuck my hands down his pants while he was trying to floo call McGonagall? I though he liked it a little rough!" Hermione stared at the blank wall behind Ginny's head trying to compose herself…Ginny had been a little off lately. Stress will do that to anyone Hermione told herself.

"Ginny, you're doing this for his own good…and it will be enjoyable."

"How, though? Do I just waltz into his bed naked?" Ginny asked. Hermione considered it.

"Well…yes." Hermione smiled because Harry would be able to connect with the girl he loved. Hermione couldn't help but feel as though she were in one of those silly romance novels her mom read…nothing could go wrong and there was going to be a happy ending.

XXX

Severus Snape was not one would have picked to seduce a teenage boy…a supposedly straight boy at that. He was tall with exceptionally bad taste in hair care products and personal hygiene.

So it was a good thing that Snape was not involved in the seduction, he was simply to oversee the plans. He sat in an armchair waiting for the rest of the "Potter Committee" to come and join him. Lucius, Draco, Crabbe, and Vincent walked in.

Clearly the Dark Lord had drunk one too many wine coolers…again.

"We all know why we are here, don't we?" Snape said, the door opened again revealing Peter walking slowly and awkwardly as though there were two quaffles in-between his legs.

"I do not tolerate tardiness," Snape said silkily. Pettigrew actually shuddered a bit looking for minute like a student cowering in fear.

"I was impaired—."

"_Finte!" _ Snape yelled. Pettigew actually looked shocked when the spell reversed itself and his balls went back to their regular size. Snape looked around. There didn't appear to be any women…this was going to be most difficult.

"This mission is of great importance. Should you succeed, it will be enough to remain on the Dark Lord's better side forever," Snape began.

Crabbe farted. Lucius looked so affronted at the fact that Crabbe had dared do something as _common_ as fart in front of him he pulled out his wand and jinxed Crabbe's hair green.

"Enough!" Snape sighed. This was going to take some work.

XXX

After an hour of dueling with Moody, Harry was seriously considering renouncing the profession of an Auror. Apparently the spell required him to have precise knowledge of "mind and body". Moody took this to mean that Harry needed to carry bags of owl droppings from the Owlery to the Herbology department in the Ministry and then do a little practical magic with him. Harry wished Remus were available to teach him…

"I mean, why on earth would a Death Eater lock me in a room without my wand, blindfold me and force me to duel with a beetroot to torture me…furthermore, how the hell do I "win"? Moody refuses to tell me saying when I figured it out, I would be an Auror," Harry said to Ron later that night trying to massage out the knot in his thigh.

"Just hope they kill you, mate," Ron said pulling on his pajama top.

"It would be less painful. Honestly, Voldemort is more likely to _Crucio _me until I've lost my mind and then kill me." Ron snorted before walking to bathroom next door to brush his teeth.

Harry wandered to the small writing desk in the corner and pulled out a fresh piece of parchment.

_Dear Tonks, _he wrote. Harry tapped the quill against his chin. What was there to say? He was fine? He had grown three inches and gained about five kilos from Molly's cooking? Something funny and uplifting? War left very little words for other events.The quill fell from his hand he bent over to pick it up.

Harry sat back up and looked down at the parchment hoping it would give him some sort of message about what he should write…only now there was another small scrap piece of parchment on it. What the hell? He didn't remember it being there before. He quickly opened it.

_Draco Malfoy is standing behind you._ The handwriting was spindly and strangely familiar.

Harry turned around fumbling for his wand and came face to face with, Draco Malfoy.

"Fancy meeting you here, Potter," he said dodging Harry's stunner artfully. "I suppose it was too much for a Mudblood like you to have proper manners."

Harry ran into the bathroom.

"RON! RON! Malfoy'sintheroom!" He blurted out.

"Whab?" Harry said foam from the toothpaste falling out of his mouth.

"Malfoy! He's in the room!"

"Have you been drinking Bill's firewhiskey?" Ron asked rinsing out his mouth.

"HE'S A DEATH EATER!" Harry yelled. "HE COULD BE ESCAPING OR STEALING INFORMATION AS WE SPEAK!"

Ron looked startled and ran out the door after Harry. They burst into the bedroom to reveal Draco standing next to Harry's bed flipping through _Quidditch Through the Ages._ Harry wasn't really sure how to react, wasn't it procedure that a prisoner fought? A dark thought crept into the back of Harry's brain…perhaps it was a trap. Perhaps Voldemort had sent Draco here as a trap. Hermione burst through the door after them.

"What happened!" She yelled her dressing gown open revealing a granny nighty.

"Get him!" Harry yelled gesturing wildly with his wand. Moody would have killed him if he Ron and Hermione looked around the room.

"Where is he?" Hermione asked. "Is he invisible?"

Harry stared at them incredulously. How could they not see him?

"They can't see me, Potter," Draco said walking to the desk. "I'm under Fidelius."

"What?"

Malfoy smirked.

"Send them away, Potter. I have a message for you...from Snape."

"Why would Snape be sending you a message?"

"Because he has to."

"Why?"

"He owes you a life debt." Harry covered his face with his hands.

"Can't you see him? He's standing right there!" Harry tried once more.

"Harry? I think you should go to bed, you look a little pale. You've obviously been overworked." Hermione said.

Harry looked from Draco to Ron and Hermione.

"Look, Potter, no wand." Draco said throwing his wand onto the floor. Harry eyed it suspiciously.

"What is it?" Ron asked.

"Umm…haha. Just a drill constant vigilance and whatnot. I'm just tired." Harry said to Ron and Hermione.

"…"

"A drill? Haven't you heard about the Boy Who Cried Wolf?" Hermione asked. "I thought you were hurt." Harry smiled sheepishly shrugging their accusations and concern off.

"Ron would you like to join me for a cup of cocoa? I have to talk to you about your robes for the wedding." Hermione said waggling her eyebrows in a most un-Hermione like fashion. Ron and Hermione went out closing the door behind them. Harry whirled around.

"You. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hex you."

"Because Snape gave me and Spell-Repellent and anything you throw at me will simply bounce back off and hit you."

"_Stupefy!" _Harry cried. The spell bounced of Draco's chest and hurtled back toward him. Harry ducked just in time and heard something shatter as the spell hit it.

"Snape tells you to not do anything stupid and not to accept ANY proposals no matter how tempting they seem," Draco said.

"That's it? He risked your life and mine to tell me that? Well I've got a message for him. Tell him to get his skinny, grey, cowardly arse down here and—."

"He also says that there is a spy in the Order and not to trust anyone."

"There is no spy! He was the fucking spy!" Harry was yelling now. He threw himself on top of the bed.

"Snape's on your side, Potter. Take his warning for what its worth."

"Right, and McGonagall and Flitwick are having it on. Get out." Harry said. "Wait? How did you even get in here? Why'd you agree to be his little whipping boy in the first place?" Harry added as an afterthought.

"None of your business," Malfoy swooped down and picked up his wand. Harry didn't even thing before he stood up and punched Draco in the face feeling the dark satisfaction at hearing Malfoy's nose break with a resounding crack.

"Ow!" Malfoy yelled blood pouring out of his nose. "Fuck you, Potter! You are going to die unless you learn to listen to people. Just because you don't like them doesn't mean they aren't intelligent!" Malfoy said before launching himself on top of Harry.

It was a satisfying fight by all standards. There were the usual epithets and punching…Harry was sure he had a black eye, but it felt strangely good. This kind of fighting accomplished something…

"Bastard! Who sent you, really? Was it your parents? Wait! I forgot your Dad is rotting in Azkaban and your Mom is too busy servicing the Dark Lord to care about you." Harry asked straddling Draco, holding his arms down. Malfoy looked as though he would burst with the amount of fury in him.

"You fucking bastard! Fuck you!" Malfoy yelled before flipping them both over. They both were breathing hard at this point. Harry could feel the thin sheen of sweat covering Malfoy's arm. For an irrational second he wondered how Malfoy's body would look naked covered in that shiny sheen. Harry wriggled experimentally trying to throw Malfoy off, the adrenaline made his skin quite sensitive and Harry began to react…

This was bad. This was worse than the time he'd attempted to become a girl and tried to put on Petunia's makeup. He was only human after all and he could each contraction of Malfoy's heart, that's how close they were. This was so wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this! He liked Ginny!

"You stink, Potter!" Draco said viciously jabbing his knee into Harry's stomach.

Well that killed it…thank Merlin.

There was a knock on the door which swung open to reveal Ginny in a short robe.

"Hey, were you talking to someone. I heard voices." Harry looked up at Malfoy in horror. Shit, this was bad. Malfoy rolled off him and picked up his wand.

"Harry? Are you okay?" She asked.

"Uh…yes, wrestling with an invisible opponent. Good practice and whatnot?" Harry said dusting off his trousers.

"Is there something you needed?" He asked.

"Yes…"

"Well?"

"You! I need you, Harry!" Malfoy caught his eye and started laughing.

"Potter, this is too good." Harry opened his mouth to tell Malfoy off when Ginny attacked him.

"Mwahagaff!" He said.

"That's just gross, Potter. Blood traitor and mudblood all in one mouth." Harry tried to kick him, but missed and ended up stubbing his toe on the bedpost.

"Ow! Ginny, um…we've been over this! No!" He yelped as she undid his belt and struggled to undo the zip. Malfoy was laughing so hard that he was actually beginning to choke…it didn't help that his nose was still broken.

"What are you, Potter, a poof? She's giving you a head; you might as well enjoy it. I mean who else would have you?" Harry tried to push Ginny off; his face was the color of beets. He could feel the heat rising off of it like a sidewalk on a hot summer day.

The door swung open again to reveal Mrs. Weasley. Ginny and Harry quickly straightened up. Harry stepped behind Ginny hoping Mrs. Weasley wouldn't notice the fact his jeans were unzipped.

"What were you kids up to?" She asked suspiciously.

"I was sparring with Harry, you know, as practice," Ginny offered.

"Oh…well Ron and Hermione are having a midnight snack if you both want some," she said giving them the evil eye. Harry moved his hand in front of his trousers trying to block the open zipper from her line of vision.

"Okay, we'll be down soon," Harry said. Mrs. Weasley slowly walked out of the bedroom stopping to pick up the carelessly thrown book and placing it back on the desk. She stopped about a foot from where Draco lay on the floor paralyzed with…something and sniffed the air.

"Have you guys been bleeding recently?" She asked. Both Ginny and Harry shook their heads. Mrs. Weasley gave one last sniff before leaving.

"See, Ginny! This kind of thing happens. Just don't, okay?" Ginny wrapped the robe around her body hugging herself.

"It's not fair! You're letting Him control your life. He's already won if you continue like this." Ginny burst out.

"You think this is about Voldemort controlling me? I'm trying to save you and the only thing you can think about it your sex life. Maybe that's why I don't enjoy your company anymore. Did that ever occur to you?" Harry said in a stage whisper conscious of the fact Mrs. Weasley was just down the hall.

"He is! You're just too blind to see it." Ginny said hissing the last words through her clenched teeth a crystalline tear fell down on her cheek/

"Ginny…I'm sorry. I just don't think this is right. I can't…," Harry said trying to remain calm. He patted her shoulder awkwardly. Ginny slapped his hand away.

"You are crap at kissing; you kiss like your imagining someone else. I didn't want to say anything because I thought it was simply stress, but I think you're a poof. You are nothing to me anymore!" Ginny yelled as she stomped out the door.

"Better a poof than your boyfriend!"

"This is too good. I can't believe my good fortune sometimes. Just wait till the press hears this, Potter the poof with poofy hair…I like it. Has a good ring to it." Malfoy said smirking. Harry threw a book at his face. Malfoy caught it with ease and continued to laugh.

Well…that could have gone better.

XXX

"How did it go?" Hermione asked as Ginny came back into the room.

Ginny picked up Hermione's perfume bottle and threw it against the wall where it shattered leaving a stain that looked remarkable like a cock…

"Not good, then?"

XXX

"Why are you still here? Can't you just leave or drop dead or better yet leave!" Harry asked Draco who was still on the floor. The bleeding had stopped but it looked as though he had a plum for a nose. The Spell-Repellant had kind of backfired because now Malfoy couldn't even heal himself….

"The Portkey will activate soon…five minutes I think." Malfoy looked strangely happy… as though Christmas had some early.

"Sod off. And tell Snape I don't need his help while you're at it," Harry said throwing himself on his bed. His muscles ached.

"I wonder if Weaslette gives a good head," Malfoy said conversationally.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"You're right; she'd be crap at it. She was going in at the wrong angle and don't even get me started on her dirty talk." Harry had the irrational urge to laugh…the whole situation was ludicrous. Harry was still laughing when Malfoy disappeared right before his eyes.

XXX

The door to his chambers opened slowly. Voldemort sat on his throne admiring his freshly painted nails and.

"Ah…Draco what I can I do for you?" Voldemort smiled. Yes, everything was going as planned.

XXX

Yeah, there will be more stuff coming up.


End file.
